On nerves

I'm not sure if this avenue was ever a colloquial one, if it was we can call this the return, if even for a moment.  The greatest poet, after all, was not born as such.  It was a craft that had to be honed as with the carpenter and sculptor.  A life spent observing is no more effective than a life void of senses.  When we do not apply the result of our observations they are of little use to us.  To balance our days examining our surrounds with testing ourselves against those contemplation is a more true expression of what a life should be.  Our impact on the world is only one if we impose it.

She said to me that she was nervous and my hands made haste to respond before the battery on my Apple product dissipated into darkness.  Perhaps I was trying to say that the greatest things in life are the ones that create an almost overwhelming sensation of nervousness in us. There is something comforting when life becomes a song that you can sing along with but what joy is there if we never challenge our ear with the divine dissonance of a sound unheard.  There is a melody in everything.

When my message could not be sent my heart grew momentarily dark. Alas the darkness would not last.  This was the moment that I needed, this became a time for reflection on all the nerves that have recently pinged my senses to question my every step, the danger in discomfort the the unease of the unknown.  The single most terrifying moment of my life occurred just a few weeks ago.  It was a perfect storm, the culmination of so many events.  Following the purge of all but a pack of my earthly possessions I stood gasping at the airport preparing to abandon a life that was no longer working for me.  After the decision to leave all that I had built to venture south to a nation whose language I did not speak, whose citizens I did not know, I met her.  I became entangled in the one entity that it pained me to leave.  This is the game that life plays with us.  A flawless plan interrupted by a perfect possibility.
For the first time ever I stood completely unsure of the next step that I would take.  Finding my isle seat and settling in was supposed to be the release that I had waited so long for yet the electrical impulses firing from head to toe where made apparent by the physical manifestation of my trembling hands. I could leave my business, my friends, my home, my possessions, my life but could I leave her?  It was the second impossible flight in as many weeks.  I managed to survive the first, I can live through this one.
The wheels touch down and I am completely alone.  There is no one in this entire country that knows me, I know no one.  I step into the heat of the early morning in Central America with out the ability to request a cab or buy an apple.  I had hundreds of miles to go to make it to my destination.  Alone.  Completely.  Ten minutes of pacing leads me to sit upon a concrete slab and breath.  The world becomes easy in these moments.  I am alive.  I have no master, no deadline, no responsibilities.  The ever mounting uncertainty mimics the release of a volcano and as though the molten ash had been settled for generations, a soothing serenity washes over me.
My mind finds this transition as the exchange occurs, a colorful bill for a single beer from the shop by the beach leads to making long slow steps to its sandy greeting.  The repetitive beat of the music resonating from club speakers gives way to the push and crash of a rhythmic wave repeating it's caress of the shore.  For a lifetime this moment consumes.  Every salty inhale fills a chest with hope.  Just days ago there was such uncertainty, there was a consumption by nerves that the act of standing was arduous.  That moment elevated an expectation, it made every moment of unease that may present itself in the coming days as effortless as what to have for breakfast on Friday.
Was her nervousness different from that which I felt?  The feelings, I assure you, are ones that we both have yet there is not a glimmer of activity between these myelin sheaths.  For the fear of redundancy I must state that the reason for the lack of shimmer was not the result of a lack of emotion, this has in fact been all consuming of late.  There is no fear, however.  There is no question or lack of confidence, no apprehension or concern in this case.  There is no need to take a moment to sit and ponder the ramifications of all previous and potential actions.  This decision is simple for it's not a decision at all.  No warrior who commits his belly to a grenade considers it's consequence, he acts out of unwavering love, out of instinct and having previously been in situations where sacrifice was expected.  If this blast is to be the end of everything I once knew I more than welcome it.  I long for it to penetrate and consume all that it can.
To put it as simply as I can, to love her is not a choice and in turn produces no apprehension.  Breathing is not a choice, it does not warrant nervousness.